[Satire] Donald Trump Makes Territorial Claim for El Salvador’s Bitcoin Reserves

Donald Trump has issued a claim for El Salvador’s Bitcoin reserves with the intention of annexing them to form the “51st US state.” Trump believes the US has a legitimate territorial claim to the BTC custodied by El Salvador, claiming that many of the coins held in the reserve were “made in the USA.”

Promising to “bring them back home” and incorporate the coins into the nation’s proposed Strategic Bitcoin Reserve, Trump insists that the move is legally justified. When pressed for evidence that El Salvador’s holdings are American in origin, Trump cited an expert report claiming that a handful of UTXOs within the fund can be traced back to Silk Road, whose recently pardoned founder, Ross Ulbricht, is a US citizen.

Blockchain Battlelines Are Drawn

The next phase of the ambitious annexation plan, codenamed Operation Anschluss, will see the US Department of Defense deploying cyber units to “secure Bitcoin’s magical borders,” before repatriating the coins. According to one senior official, a new federal agency, the Bureau of Blockchain Boundaries, will also be established to research potential claims to other digital assets. “Think of it as mapping uncharted digital territory,” the official said, “Only instead of discovering a new continent, we’re discovering, well, some very old Bitcoin transactions.”

To reinforce its claim to El Salvador’s digital reserves, Trump’s team is now proposing to mint a series of commemorative “Made in America” physical Bitcoins. Each coin will bear an encrypted signature attesting to its “patriotic provenance.”

Meanwhile, government officials in El Salvador appear taken aback by the sudden move by President Trump. “What next?” pondered a spokesman for President Bukele. “Annexing our memes?” Legal experts have been equally animated. “We’re witnessing a collision of 18th-century territorial doctrine with 21st-century blockchain technology,” noted a constitutional law professor from Georgetown. “In practical terms, it’s as if someone tried to apply maritime law to Wi-Fi signals.”

The professor continued, “While blockchain’s immutable ledger might record every transaction with near-perfect fidelity, it doesn’t exactly come with a zip code. The argument that some coins are ‘American-made’ because of their digital breadcrumbs is both innovative and, frankly, a little absurd.”

Digital Dystopia

As the political and legal debates ramp up, industry insiders are speculating about the long-term implications of this trend. Some futurists envision a world where blockchain assets come with their own citizenship status – a kind of digital passport for UTXOs. “Imagine logging into your bank account and being asked for your crypto citizenship ID,” mused one tech analyst. “If Trump’s annexation of Bitcoin is a rehearsal, then the real spectacle might be when states start bidding for digital territory on the metaverse. It’s borderless, yet even more contentious.”

“We’re sleepwalking into a dystopian future in which everyone’s avatar could be drafted to defend their virtual homeland,” they added. “I fear for the current generation. If Trump’s warmongering continues, we’re looking at a cyberspace massacre that’ll rival anything the 20th century produced.”